On being the favorite class in the MBA, taking on the fruitcake, and the gentle lure of absence
December 3, 2021
Dear Eva,
I have been WALKING ON AIR since Wednesday evening when I asked and received a bunch of feedback from my students about the class. Because I have been continually trying out different things in terms of how I run the Zoom sessions, what kinds of questions I ask in assignments, etc., I thought it would be really helpful to hear some in-progress input from students, rather than waiting until course evaluations come through just before the Christmas holiday. So at the end of Wednesday’s class, I gave an open offer to anyone who wanted to stick around a few minutes and give thoughts on what was working and not working. Just under a dozen students stuck around, and wow did they make my day/week/year! Numerous people said this was their favorite class in the entire MBA program(!), talked about how unusually engaged they were in the materials and the classes, and otherwise gave effusive praise mixed with some really good suggestions for some different things to try. I was so happy I could have burst open, and I really have not come down from the high nearly 48 hours later. (I did not then, but perhaps I should now yell a little “I am a genius!” out into the night.) I have had the luxury in this experience of teaching for the sake of teaching, and doing it with just one class (albeit with 44 students) and for a short period of time. These circumstances have enabled me to really pour myself into it, and it is unfathomably gratifying to hear that the time and energy is paying off.
I wrote previously about how I am treating this teaching experience as an experiment. So far, I would say the experiment is a resounding success! It has been such a positive growth experience on so many levels. I am going to relish it for many moons to come.
Speaking of moons to come, I find myself looking forward with anticipation for the upcoming solstice. What will I relinquish into the fire pit this year? It has been such a growth year for me in so many ways, not just with teaching. I feel like I am ready to chuck some psychological residue from my younger self into the flames and prepare for what lies ahead in 2022. Maybe it will be the best year yet!
I wonder if you know that I now eat [at least one] peanut Lärabar every day of my life? I know I have mentioned getting hooked to them, but I was not sure if I had adequately conveyed the full extent of their role in my daily life. I see it as a small, tangible representation of the kind of steady nourishment that our friendship has given me. A tiny, satisfying shift with ripple effects, just like our letters. I say that, but I should note that I want to avoid any temptation to equate the letters with our friendship, particularly in these final weeks of this project. This is the end of one thing, but not another! The letters have been a brilliant way to externalize and manifest our ongoing conversation in life, but their absence will not end that conversation and connection unless we let it. I do not plan to let it! My track record is quite good in this department, if I do say so myself (which apparently I do). Unlike my creative/writing time, my close relationships are one thing I rarely let get pushed out by other life distractions and busyness. So please do not think you will be rid of me come January!
As you know, I was boosted yesterday in my covid-19 immunity and I am feeling the effects today. I have noticed it comes and goes in waves of nausea, reminding me very much of pregnancy. Unintended consequence of vaccination = renewed gratitude I am not [and will not be] pregnant!
With that very random anecdote, I am going to wrap this letter and head downstairs to start my evening. Sadly, our sitter was sick today so there is no child-free outing in my imminent future but I am looking forward to a low-key night at home with takeout and couch cuddles with children, dog, and husband. Ohh, and perhaps a touch of eggnog if my waves of nausea sufficiently subside. I wish you a merry weekend, and I look forward to reading your words tonight!
Yours,
Sarah
Friday December 3 2021
Dear Sarah,
This is a Friday evening letter! It’s been a week dense with work in progress, but instead of feeling ominously endless and repetitive, as work often feels, this time of year feels worth making a big push before taking off for a nice break at the end of the month. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, I’m planning to take the latter two weeks of December off, so that my last work day of this year *should* be Friday December 17. I’m going to try really hard to stick to it! As I mentioned when we talked on the phone today, I’m plotting some changes for the new year and I’m going to try to hold myself to them. Only I have the power to hold myself to my plans and my choices! No one is going to step in and do it for me; this seems obvious, but still took a long time to realize! There is some narrative that lurks in the back of my mind about the idea of being “discovered” — you read about artists, or models, or musicians being “discovered,” going about their existence and-or their creative work until someone spots them and plucks them out of their everyday being and transforms them into something else. Perhaps I have always been waiting to be found and transformed, but in reality one has to transform oneself! I intend for 2022 to be the year in which I take the reins in a newly meaningful way after all these years. My December horoscope noted that I will be kicking off my Emerald Year beginning in May of next year, and I’ll take it. Turning 40, Emerald Year, new year.
The other day I was daydreaming of moving further north to Grand Marais along Lake Superior (I just quelled this daydream by looking up homes for sale, and it seems like homes there are either quite expensive, or you can buy land but then you have to build something yourself, and it all sounds like far too much work even for a Friday evening daydream!) and today I thought about how my perception of time and distance has shifted since I’ve moved to Minnesota. I can drive to visit you in about four hours; I can drive to visit L in under five hours; I can drive to Grand Marais in under five hours; I can drive to Chicago in about seven hours; I can drive to see M’s family or mine in about 12 hours (including the time zone change). I haven’t done so much western travel from Minneapolis just yet but there is plenty in that direction, too. Perhaps the pandemic has opened up my sense of what I am willing to do with my time; after nearly two years inside, I am ready to drive most anywhere at the drop of a hat. Pack some clothes, my phone, my computer, and I’m ready to be anywhere. Everything seems closer, or everything seems worth going to, after being at home for so long!
November was a challenging month, and this month the dust seems to be settling, again with the promise of some downtime on the horizon. M and I have watched a number of holiday movies already this season: we watched The Snowman (the animated short, not the horror flick), Elf, Meet Me in St. Louis, and The Polar Express. I have access to my dad’s HBO Max account and we’ve been finding lots of movies there. Au contraire to the squishy proclamation I made in my letter last week, I think I will in fact take on the fruitcake for another year! My words in last week’s letter just go to show that sometimes you need to make space on your to-do list in order to get through a stretch of time. It reassured me to say I wouldn’t make the fruitcake but now I’m back in! Plus, my mother loved it last year, and that feels like a reason to make it again.
Another holiday highlight of this week: I cracked open a (sealed) bottle of almond milk eggnog that has been in the basement fridge since December of *last* year (when I bought it thinking I wanted more and more nog, but my nog tastes had already been quenched). This nog was labeled best by February 21 of this year, i.e. 2021, but guess what! It’s just fine! I drank two glasses last night and I didn’t die (yet). We’ve tucked into one store-bought regular nog thus far, saving our homemade bourbon nog for our trip to Michigan, and frankly, the almond milk nog tastes just fine and has about one-fifth the calories and maybe half or less the sugar. For the nog enthusiast who likes to ingest it in volumes (moi), the almond milk nog might be the way to go!
I loved the sound of your Thanksgiving holiday last weekend, and I am going to have to visit Semicolon bookstore in Chicago myself! You asked what life will be like after the letters; I predict we will find ourselves trying out some new things, carving out just a bit more space for whatever new creative activity is waiting around the corner. In these letters we’ve shown just how much can emerge out of a weekly commitment over a period of time; what awaits us in the coming new year? I will miss writing to you, but I *might* not miss a Friday night at the computer! (As I noted to M, it doesn’t ever have to be that I write my letter on Friday night, but sometimes that’s just how it lands!) I think we will miss the letters, but we will be the people who wrote them, instead of the people before the writing; we and the letters have done our work. On to the next thing! Apparently my two-to-three year window of attention applies across the spectrum of my life activities. Funny that you say It is hard to feel positive about the absence of something; perhaps in line with my desire to escape, the concept of absence is enticing to me, like bringing a single suitcase to a starched, clean hotel room and basking in the lack of objects. I could remove from my day-to-day life the many objects that I collect, but they are part of my life and my way of being; just, sometimes, I want to get away from it all and wipe the slate clean, however imaginary that clean slate might be. We can commit to not letting the time drip off our hands like water. Every new year I have high hopes for what might emerge that will be different from the year before; this year I think there are many things waiting on the horizon for me, and for you, and for you and I.
I hope you are resting and feeling better! Have a pleasant holiday weekend and we’ll talk again soon! (Why did I wish you a pleasant holiday weekend? Not just yet, but coming soon!) Tomorrow M and I shall acquire our Christmas tree, and I will be taking a woodcarving class, and we will see a friend who is showing her artwork at the No Coast Craft-o-Rama; and on Sunday I’ll be helping out with the woodshop at the American Swedish Institute’s holiday Julmarknad, a late-breaking addition to the weekend, and I’ll be popping some fruitcakes into the oven Sunday or Monday. Bring on these latter weeks of the year, I’m finally feeling ready for them, and ready to see what lies beyond!
Until soon!
Yours,
Eva