ON EGO-PLUMPING, DOOMSDAY SCENARIOS, AND WORKING FOR WHAT WE NEED
Thursday April 18 and Friday April 19 2024
Dear Sarah,
Leading with the gentle ego plumping that your letter of last week gave me, lol: How thrilling that the landscape of your walks around town reminds you of me! I exist in your world even when we aren’t in each other’s presence, or even talking on the phone in the immediate moment! I know exactly what you mean about recalling particular conversations when faced with a landmark, a certain house or tree — it is fascinating that certain words and the moment in which they are exchanged, delivered, received become lodged in one’s mind attached to the place we were, the slice of the world we were seeing. I too can recall moments of our conversations and where I was sat, the quality of the light — it’s a little more general because I think I haven’t walked during our calls so regularly these days! — I can see what I could see, and in a way I can also see my body, like I am watching a film of myself having the conversation.
A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that I was getting back to work and you subsequently asked how it was going. I think when you first asked, I had not quite actually begun any work — I was in that happy middle space of knowing that there was work (read: pay) ahead, but the materials I needed for the work hadn’t come to me yet, or the meetings I needed to participate in to kick off the work hadn’t happened yet. Lo, now I have had materials sent to me and have had kickoff meetings for the work that needs doing. I feel… interesting about work these days. I would like, ideally, for the work to dissolve into thin air while still being paid the amount of money that has been agreed upon for my time. Is this so much to ask!
I think I have finally learned that it is unproductive for me to “think about work” — I need only to be doing the work, or not doing it, i.e. I need only to be on the clock or off the clock. There is no mulling of the work while I am not on the clock. To be thinking about work is to be on the clock and doing the work. I am working to hold this line for myself as I get back into workflows. I also find myself agape at the fact that everyone else has continued working while I took my not-so-very-long sabbatical, which still felt like an absolute eternity, both relative to how we take breaks in our society and just for how juicy and generous it really was for me. I think I am surprised that it felt so generous. I prepared myself for it so that I would be able to enjoy it — I made it clear for myself that I could afford it, I was investing in myself and my creative process as well as my own rest — or perhaps the knowledge of the rest came later; I led with investing in my creative process. The rest was unexpected, the feeling of resting, becoming well-rested.
So far it feels all right-ish to be back to work, though nothing particularly trying has occurred yet, no tight deadlines. I will soon be beginning to interview people for a project and that will be a new kind of turning of the page in the return to work — being A Working Person In Conversation With People. I will strive to be myself, to remain my new self — a person who is somehow over work and yet must still perform work because I live in capitalism — and to simultaneously be a person who is over work but also likes to do good work if I am going to do any work at all — I think if I keep my engagements minimal to start that I will be doing all right. I don’t want a packed schedule anymore — I don’t know if I ever wanted one, precisely, but I was used to maintaining one for some number of years — and now I have formed for myself a life that operates at a pace that I enjoy, leaves time for running and writing and snacking and staring out the window and reading a book over dinner and going for a walk here and there. Work is not the focal point of my day; it is necessary to do things that will offer me pay, as I am not independently wealthy, but to garner mountains of cash is not my goal; I will work for what I need and, for now, no more. I wonder what the next year, two years, three years will be like — the past year has been dense with change and reflection — and I have not tucked so much fresh money into my retirement accounts in the past year — but I have lived and perhaps am continuing to live my desired pre-tirement, taking a break from the grind so that I can enjoy my time while I am still mobile and healthy.
Last week you reflected on my revised metaphors from my letter the week before — and you asked about the depletion of energy that happens for me when things are changing. Perhaps the energy depletion is the precursor to the change, the indicator, some knowledge that a system that I used to uphold, perpetuate, work within is no longer sustainable. The energy that I could once muster fails me now — and so, feeling that energy drain out of one space, I know that I must turn in another direction, toward something that fills me up again, lights a fire inside of me. I am regularly struck by the fact that at certain times I’ll feel an energetic drain — I’ll think I might be tired or ill — and sometimes of course I am simply hungry or in need of protein — but other times I have found that I was just dragging myself through some process that I didn’t want to be doing, my body resisting at every step of the way. If I then turn toward anything that appeals more strongly, I feel my energy return, feel my pilot light burning bright again, feel my synapses firing and my brain waking up. Where the body resists, again and again, it is time to turn away. For many years I could command my body with my brain to do things that maybe I didn’t want to do, but felt that I should do — and now I am letting go of the shoulds, as much as possible, and letting my body and brain stay in touch with each other about what they both want. We are in this together!
I am glad to have from your letter last week the fresh idea of looking for more ways to say No — I love it. I wonder what it looks like for you to be closer to a No in a few months’ time. I wonder what are the nuanced Nos in your life that you are working toward! You wrote of the desire to withdraw where possible while still remaining engaged in the world. I wonder if it means there are things to which you have already said No in your heart, and you are working your way around to introducing the No to other people in your life. Or? Tell me more as we go! Our prior formulation as we passed it back and forth in the letters — You are free to do whatever you want. You need only face the consequences — played a fundamental role in reshaping my life. I am curious what the Nos will do for you!
I am 42 now and it feels good! Thank you for your well-wishes about my Eva Day! This weekend is spotlit with some Good Astrology — I will be curious to hear how it goes for you, if anything exciting happens, any new breakthroughs in any area of your life! I like hearing about days that are Good Astrology because it makes me feel like anything can happen, and the truth is — astrology or not — anything CAN happen, and it’s good to be reminded that we can just get out there and make it happen! It’s like an astrological sunny day! I’ve got a little something I’m brewing, a nugget of an idea. Perhaps I will tell you more soon! Happiest weekend to you and yours!
Until soon, much love!
Eva
April 19, 2024
Dear Eva,
One of my least favorite aspects of being a lawyer is that it cultivates the worst case scenario generator within me. This is a part of me that is naturally strong. There is no playground for which I cannot conjure a catastrophic injury in my mind’s eye! But for obvious reasons, this is a part of me I try to minimize. Imagining the bees that might sting your child during an otherwise beautiful moment when they stop to smell a blooming flower is not a recipe for joy. I often find myself battling this tension in my job. On the one hand, it is unhealthy and unproductive to spend a lot of energy thinking about all the things that might go wrong, all the ways people might take advantage or mess up. On the other hand, it is arguably a lawyer’s job to do just that. This is all a very long buildup to the fact that I have been doing some worst case scenario thinking about — of all things — these letters.
A couple of doomsday scenarios on my mind: the anecdotes I have written about loved ones somehow get taken out of context later in life in negative ways and/or the entire letter corpus gets used to train AI systems (probably already happened) and down the road this results in something that feels like a violation. It is not a coincidence this is on my mind. The book I am reading, Growing Up in Public, which I cited in last week’s letter, has an entire chapter on “Sharenting” and its unintended consequences for both what she calls Small Privacy (the people you actually know) and Big Privacy (the surveillance systems we are all subjected to, often without knowing). I have come to no conclusions about any of this, even as to whether it will cause me to do anything any differently in my already-very-private life. Just something I am pondering anew.
I have also been reflecting on your comments about self-centeredness. I agree with you that Service Above Self doesn’t seem quite right. I’m not sure how to put it into a pithy phrase, but I want Service to be next to Self, or even a part of it. For me, the kinds of service that are important to me are not something separate; they are a part of who I am. Of course, there are times we have to sacrifice one thing for another, and sometimes that might mean choosing to serve some external need over a personal one. I suppose that is the sentiment that sidewalk is trying to convey. But it feeds the yucky notion that self-sacrifice is generally honorable, and I respectfully disagree. (Glad I took the time to be polite in my challenge to this Oakland sidewalk!)
Okay, back to basketball. I was the same as you as a young athlete. There was always a part of me that held back from giving anything as public as sports my all. Going 100 percent just took a level of vulnerability I wasn’t yet equipped to give. I also think there was a lack of motivation there because I never just loved playing the game the way it seems like so many others do. I do, however, love watching the game! All the games! These days I feel like I can get into nearly any sport if I watch long enough to gain familiarity with the players. I also have no qualms about going all in with the vulnerability as a fan. Shaking with nerves in tense moments, grieving losses, jumping on the couch when my team triumphs. It has been a delight to experience all the feelings over the course of a season of women’s basketball. And as you said, another season is right around the corner. In fact, the WNBA season starts in just a couple of weeks and you better believe that J and I are going to be expanding our super fandom to the professional level as many of our favorite players enter the league this year. Bring on all the women’s basketball!
It is so exciting to think that I may get to see you IRL in the near future! There are so many things to talk about that we cannot exactly discuss here on the page. I look forward to it!
You will be happy to know that your moviegoing habits have inspired me to propose going to a movie tonight. We are still debating which one, but we have settled on the idea of going to a movie tonight during our babysitting hours and we have narrowed it down to two films. Do we go for the realistic apocalypse or the heartwarming sports story? Either way, with beers and buttery popcorn in hand, we cannot go wrong.
What do you have in store this weekend? More ‘za? The thought of an Arizmendi pizza slice makes me feel a little drooly right now. I’ve never been, but I looked it up when I read your letter last week and it sounds amazing! Whatever you have planned, I hope it is relaxing and fun! Might I suggest a “Yes Day” for yourself? We’re doing that for S this weekend as a birthday gift, and it is making me think about how we should all make this a regular practice for ourselves as adults, too. Not every day can be a Yes Day, but more should be!
Your friend,
Sarah