ON SQUEEZING HUMANS INTO WORK-SHAPED BOXES, HUNKERING DOWN IN THE COLD, AND EXERCISING DICTATORIAL PARENT POWER
Friday November 12 2021
Dear Sarah,
Happy Friday! Before I spin my way into the semi-rut of discussing my latest work-related trials and tribulations, I want to say how delighted I was to hear about the stages that J and S are in at this moment. You’ve got a pre-high-schooler in the house, if in looks only at the moment! And I wished that I could have been lucky enough to be on the receiving end of one of S’s artworks in exchange for candy! It’s a joy to hear that he is bold about interacting with the world. Whether it’s entirely the case or not, I think of myself as having been a shy or reserved child, or at least not likely to have made and passed out artworks on Halloween. I also had not heard about the Beggar’s Night tradition of telling a joke for candy and I like it!
(And on the topic of traditions, I don’t actually know if the grid-like pizza is actually Minnesota-style pizza! But I feel like this is the first place I’ve encountered it at more than one pizza restaurant in town, so it feels Minnesota-style! I am now looking at a page from WBEZ Chicago where someone asked “Why is Chicago thin crust pizza cut in squares?” and the answer posed here is that “the crisp, square-cut style emerged in Midwest taverns after WWII” and that “the squares were easier for tavern patrons to eat with beer.” A different source in the same post goes on to say “These square pieces were intended as snacks, not meals. …That’s why it was important to be so cracker thin.” So maybe the grid-cut thin crust pizza is a Midwestern thing generally? Maybe the style wasn’t *intended* as a meal but once you get into downing a whole pizza, you can manage to make a meal out of it, cracker crust or no!)
You hearkened back to this last week, and this week I too have been trying to apply my nugget of wisdom to the tasks of the day: maybe instead of things being hard, they could be easy. It does help to say it out loud a few times, to acknowledge that there are different frames of mind from which to approach this life.
I loved to hear that you are (or, at least last week, you were) feeling light and breezy rather than overwhelmed by the things on your plate. I am feeling like the things on my plate are technically manageable, or that they would be manageable by an Eva who was feeling energetic and ready to bop around from project to project, ticking things off her to-do list. Lately instead I’m still feeling like I’m dragging myself to the computer and dragging myself through the work day; my late afternoons and evenings are currently my favorite times of day, the times when I am about to step away from work and no one can reasonably expect anything from me.
I looked up “burnout” the other day and found a handy page from the Mayo Clinic (where they were quick to note that “burnout isn't a medical diagnosis”) that lists these questions to ask yourself in order to understand whether you may have the symptoms of job burnout:
Have you become cynical or critical at work?
Do you drag yourself to work and have trouble getting started?
Have you become irritable or impatient with co-workers, customers or clients?
Do you lack the energy to be consistently productive?
Do you find it hard to concentrate?
Do you lack satisfaction from your achievements?
Do you feel disillusioned about your job?
Are you using food, drugs or alcohol to feel better or to simply not feel? (I wish? It’s been a trying time to have enacted a new dry and limited-sugar-intake stretch before the holidays, aka DRY 25.)
Have your sleep habits changed?
Are you troubled by unexplained headaches, stomach or bowel problems, or other physical complaints?
Yes, yes, yes. (Thankfully, I’m light on the physical complaints, though I continue to have tweaky muscles along my shoulder blades. I’ve been trying to loosen them with my new TheraCane!) Somewhat satisfying to see the burnout concept laid out as a real thing, but it’s still difficult to know precisely what to do next to resolve the issue. Yet I have a few plans in the works: I just signed up for a seminar next Saturday with the writer R.O. Kwon on the topic of “writing an essay, from start to publication” and having this on the calendar already feels like a little spark to get me going on alternative projects. The work that is my current work doesn’t have to be my work forever! I’ll also note that even while it was useful to see the symptoms of job burnout spelled out here, I resent how so often life is framed in terms of productivity. As if feeling burnt out from work is the odd thing instead of the natural result of squeezing humans into work-shaped boxes for the majority of our days. (Did I mention I’m pining for a four-day workweek?)
I am also planning to sign up for a different kind of workshop in December to start the wheels turning (or perhaps to oil the wheelworks? I just searched “what part of a wheel would you oil,” but I digress) to help me think about branching into something new career-wise. I’m thinking about reaching out to our past colleague W about her work in finance to see if there could be something in that field I’d like to pursue. I still find myself interested in the numbers side of my work, and I had a productive budget planning conversation with a colleague this week that also felt like it could be the spark of something. I am thinking generally about the possibility of a new “career path” that could require less of my creative brain, so that I can channel my creative energies into my various nascent writing projects. (As a youth I wanted to be an artist, architect, or mathematician, so my interest in working with numbers has been in me for a while! I enjoyed the years of math that dealt in the generally solvable spaces of geometry and algebra, whereas the leap into calculus left me at loose ends.) Anyway, I’m going to do some research, take a few workshops, talk to folks over the next few months, and see what I can gather!
It’s before 9AM on Friday morning and I have this letter draft ready for you! I might give it an eyeball before I send it to you a bit later this afternoon but I would like it to be known that it’s early and mostly done! I should just send it off to you sooner! We’ll see when you actually receive it!
On Sunday I’m heading to Wisconsin for a visit with my dear friend L and I am looking forward to both the drive and the visit. I’ve got podcasts and chit chats queued up for the road! I hope you and yours have a very lovely weekend, and I’m looking forward to reading your words later today!
Until soon!
Yours,
Eva
P.S. I just hollered out to M that I had finished my letter at this early point in the day, and again found myself hooting I AM A GENIUS! We all get through the days as best we can!
November 12, 2021
Dear Eva,
Today is our first true wintry day weather-wise. The sun is nowhere to be found on this Friday afternoon, and I can see tree branches swaying in a fierce breeze outside my office window. While today’s weather is a bit of a shock to the system, I am pleasantly surprised to find myself genuinely looking forward to hunkering down in the cold for the winter season. This is quite possibly a first-ever feeling for me, and I think it is due in no small part to the concept of wintering that I was introduced to last year. (As I skimmed that previous letter on this topic just now, I am realizing I never finished Katherine May’s book, which means I never cleared it as sufficiently good to gift you a copy! I will do that in short order and send one your way if it meets my gifting standards.) It is such a balm to consider the seasonality of our lives, the way everything (the good, the bad; the energy, the lack of it) ebbs and flows. Right now (ask me again in February), it sounds cozy and restorative to bundle up in blankets and enjoy a little more peace and solace in the cold months ahead.
This puts the picture into my mind’s eye of burrowing into the couch with a delicious bourbony eggnog in hand in the lead-up to the holidays. There is something extra special about quiet nights at home just before the Christmas rush. Festivity awaits, but the moment is peaceful. It is such a different feeling than a quiet Tuesday during a plain old week, when sometimes the peace can feel a little hollow. I wonder what to make of this—the way in which what happens outside of a particular moment can color the feeling within that moment? There must be ways we can use this magic to our advantage. Of course, the opposite is true, too. The goings-on of life around us can sour our soup if we are not careful.
Last week you wrote about the merits of a four-day workweek. Amen to that! I have been relishing Fridays off since the start of October, and the best way I can describe it is like loosening a very tight belt. It just opens things up, lets things hang more comfortably. Now, ideally I say we don’t need belts at all, but if we must wear them, then let’s wear it loose, amirite? I have admittedly not been doing my four-day workweek exactly right, in the sense that I have largely just replaced those working hours (lawyering) with a different form of working hours (teaching). But even still, the texture of Fridays is different now. I can imagine it might be very hard to ever go back!
After we spoke earlier today, I have spent the bulk of my time creating assignments for future weeks of my course. I am treating this entire teaching experience like an experiment, and so far, I can say that it appears that creating a syllabus for others to follow may be even more satisfying than being handed one to follow. It makes me think so much about the power it bestows in me, and I want to use that power with great care. As a result, I am pouring a lot of time into this experience. I have dutifully commented upon all 44 of the online student introductions to make sure people felt like I fully digested their words. I have poured hours into constructing a coursepack that maps a logical trajectory of this course. I have planned a minute-by-minute schedule for the 90 minute Zoom sessions. As I said to my students, what I lack in teaching experience, I commit to making up in care and attention. The teaching experience seems to hit on something that pushes my precise personal motivation button—doing something for the benefit of someone else. I am all in, and so far, I am loving it.
–
It is now several hours later, and I am back at my desk with a belly full of spicy shrimp and boiled potatoes. B and I hit up a new-to-us local brewery at happy hour, and then we grabbed a dinner full of seafood in a plastic bag. It hit the spot. Upon our arrival home, we exercised our full dictatorial parent power and arbitrarily declared it bedtime at 7:40. There is no constitution here; sorry kids.
Your letter has been waiting patiently in my inbox for more than 11 hours at this point, and I cannot wait another minute to open it. I hope you are off to a wonderful Friday night, and I wish you the best in your travels on Sunday. I look forward to hearing about it upon your return!
Your friend,
Sarah
P.S. Since wrapping this letter and cueing up the headers for posting, it appears our two rowdy kids have fallen asleep already. A good dose of validation for the arbitrary early bedtime we imposed. Parents 1, Kids 0. (They will have the last laugh when they wake up at the crack of dawn tomorrow, but for now, I will… dammit! I hear them talking again!! Gah, the kids always win!